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Tommy McGlothlin - before the age of nine, I knew I was different
Today is National Coming Out Day, the day you tell your story to the world. It's a good thing to do this once a year, if not more. It's good for people to hear your story. The fewer of us in the closet, the more people know we are here, part of their lives, invited to accept us and love us.
So, before the age of nine, I knew I was different, but I didn't know how or what to call it, or even how to react to it. And because I didn't know what it was, but knew it was there, I feared it. What I remember about those days is that I was afraid, and unsure of myself as a person. I was nervous. I was insecure, and doubted myself.
In June of 1973, a terrible tragedy occurred at the Upstairs Lounge in New Orleans (where I lived with my family). The Upstairs Lounge was a small neighborhood gay bar in the French Quarter. It catered to locals more than to tourists. A disgruntled patron, however, set it on fire, killing thirty two men inside and injuring 15 others. It was a very visual tragedy for New Orleans, because the Fire and Police Departments had so little regard for the gay victims that they did not take care to hide their remains from passersby or the cameras of the press. The people of New Orleans were angry, not at the tragedy of the fire, or the lives lost, or not even at the insensitivity of the New Orleans emergency responders. They were angry that they had to be confronted that there were such things as gay men in New Orleans. One of the things I remember hearing on talk radio in the days that followed was "If those men hadn't chosen to be perverts, they'd be alive today instead of in the morgue". That was the tone of discussion that I heard the adults use while they discussed this.
As for me. I finally understood what it was that made me different. I knew what to call it, and I had an early, immature understanding of what it meant (same-sex attraction). But I also realized it was frowned upon, even hated, that it meant that I was going to hell (according to one preacher), and that this thing that made me different was bad.
File FEAR away for future reference in my 9-year-old psyche.
Fast forward through high school. Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, I managed to keep this thing to myself. I was under no perception that it was something I would ever tell anyone about, let alone discuss it. Somehow I managed to go on enough prom dates, and had enough girl friends to convince others that all was "well." But of course, it wasn't.
File INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA away in my 18-year-psyche.
Pretty much the same for college too. By this time, we had left New Orleans, and I was in school in Mississippi. I did what I had to do to hide in the closet. At Southern Miss and Ole Miss, I belonged to the College Republicans and idolized Ronald Reagan. Surely that would keep me safe. The advent of the AIDS epidemic helped with this too. But, on a trip to New Orleans one fall Saturday in 1985, I had my first coming out experience and admitted to another person (a group of people, actually), that I'm gay. One of those people remains one of my oldest and dearest friends. He is one of my two brothers of choice. Through this experience I was able to establish friendships with a few people at college and in Laurel, where I had "set up base" during my college years and after.
My second coming out experience was 9 years later. On 7 Oct 1994, my friends Bobby Walters and Joe Shoemake were murdered by a person who claimed "gay panic" as his defense. A group of lesbian activists in Jones County ensconced at "Camp Sister Spirit" became involved, and all of us who were mourning the loss of our friends and loved ones were outed - whether we wanted to come out or not. We were outed through "guilt by association" with two men murdered "because they were gay." Now we were confronted with more people who had the same attitude as the citizens of New Orleans had back in 1973 when other gay men were murdered in the arson of the Upstairs Lounge.
Nine-year cycles. My life's story has come around in nine-year cycles.
Since then, lots of water has gone under the bridge. I've long since become more comfortable in my own skin, in spite of the long history I had of being told that I shouldn't be. I've dealt with and rejected the internalized homophobia that helped me ensure acceptance of the closet's loneliness. I've dealt with the fear I once had of the things I didn't understand. Some of my friends and family have accepted me for who I am, and others have not. At first I took the loss of those who wouldn't accept me personally. But I've grown to accept that it is their loss, not mine. I've grown, matured, and become wiser as I've aged, as hopefully we all do. It is one of the great things about growing older, to grow wiser. You can accept me for who I am, or don't. Either way, it's your choice, and not my issue. I have my family (blood family, and chosen family) and my friends. I have my beautiful husband, who I give thanks to God for every day. I like who I am. And my prayer every day is that everyone will be able to experience the same.
Love and peace!
Tommy
https://www.facebook.com/tommy.mcglothlin.50
So, before the age of nine, I knew I was different, but I didn't know how or what to call it, or even how to react to it. And because I didn't know what it was, but knew it was there, I feared it. What I remember about those days is that I was afraid, and unsure of myself as a person. I was nervous. I was insecure, and doubted myself.
In June of 1973, a terrible tragedy occurred at the Upstairs Lounge in New Orleans (where I lived with my family). The Upstairs Lounge was a small neighborhood gay bar in the French Quarter. It catered to locals more than to tourists. A disgruntled patron, however, set it on fire, killing thirty two men inside and injuring 15 others. It was a very visual tragedy for New Orleans, because the Fire and Police Departments had so little regard for the gay victims that they did not take care to hide their remains from passersby or the cameras of the press. The people of New Orleans were angry, not at the tragedy of the fire, or the lives lost, or not even at the insensitivity of the New Orleans emergency responders. They were angry that they had to be confronted that there were such things as gay men in New Orleans. One of the things I remember hearing on talk radio in the days that followed was "If those men hadn't chosen to be perverts, they'd be alive today instead of in the morgue". That was the tone of discussion that I heard the adults use while they discussed this.
As for me. I finally understood what it was that made me different. I knew what to call it, and I had an early, immature understanding of what it meant (same-sex attraction). But I also realized it was frowned upon, even hated, that it meant that I was going to hell (according to one preacher), and that this thing that made me different was bad.
File FEAR away for future reference in my 9-year-old psyche.
Fast forward through high school. Somehow, I'm not exactly sure how, I managed to keep this thing to myself. I was under no perception that it was something I would ever tell anyone about, let alone discuss it. Somehow I managed to go on enough prom dates, and had enough girl friends to convince others that all was "well." But of course, it wasn't.
File INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA away in my 18-year-psyche.
Pretty much the same for college too. By this time, we had left New Orleans, and I was in school in Mississippi. I did what I had to do to hide in the closet. At Southern Miss and Ole Miss, I belonged to the College Republicans and idolized Ronald Reagan. Surely that would keep me safe. The advent of the AIDS epidemic helped with this too. But, on a trip to New Orleans one fall Saturday in 1985, I had my first coming out experience and admitted to another person (a group of people, actually), that I'm gay. One of those people remains one of my oldest and dearest friends. He is one of my two brothers of choice. Through this experience I was able to establish friendships with a few people at college and in Laurel, where I had "set up base" during my college years and after.
My second coming out experience was 9 years later. On 7 Oct 1994, my friends Bobby Walters and Joe Shoemake were murdered by a person who claimed "gay panic" as his defense. A group of lesbian activists in Jones County ensconced at "Camp Sister Spirit" became involved, and all of us who were mourning the loss of our friends and loved ones were outed - whether we wanted to come out or not. We were outed through "guilt by association" with two men murdered "because they were gay." Now we were confronted with more people who had the same attitude as the citizens of New Orleans had back in 1973 when other gay men were murdered in the arson of the Upstairs Lounge.
Nine-year cycles. My life's story has come around in nine-year cycles.
Since then, lots of water has gone under the bridge. I've long since become more comfortable in my own skin, in spite of the long history I had of being told that I shouldn't be. I've dealt with and rejected the internalized homophobia that helped me ensure acceptance of the closet's loneliness. I've dealt with the fear I once had of the things I didn't understand. Some of my friends and family have accepted me for who I am, and others have not. At first I took the loss of those who wouldn't accept me personally. But I've grown to accept that it is their loss, not mine. I've grown, matured, and become wiser as I've aged, as hopefully we all do. It is one of the great things about growing older, to grow wiser. You can accept me for who I am, or don't. Either way, it's your choice, and not my issue. I have my family (blood family, and chosen family) and my friends. I have my beautiful husband, who I give thanks to God for every day. I like who I am. And my prayer every day is that everyone will be able to experience the same.
Love and peace!
Tommy
https://www.facebook.com/tommy.mcglothlin.50
Steven Skelley and Thomas Routzong
Copyright 2022 Sunny Harbor Publishing Sunny Harbor Publishing, Rockledge, FL 32955 Phone: 321-252-9874 Email: [email protected] Website: www.SunnyHarborPublishing.org 
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the best cruise & travel news, tips & reviews for the sensible gay traveler
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